By Cathy Sorbo

What is true beauty?
One might say an unspoiled sunrise in the wilderness, or their babies' first cry. Or
perhaps some would say that true beauty can only be found when one is at peace with ones' self.
But to me there is only one honest answer: Butter.
I fucking LOVE butter.
Butter on banana muffins. Butter on toast...so much that it drips all over my
quivering hands. Ultra-buttery popcorn. Butter on steamed spinach.
Butter must always be kept at room temperature. Room temp and ready to spread, baby.
Nothing makes my heart sink faster than realizing someone has put the
butter in the refrigerator. What a crime!

Picture this: Sunday morning, the links slowly simmering in their carcinogenic
juices, a pint of freshly squeezed orange juice waits to be poured. Two eggs
expertly cracked into the links pan, salted and peppered with care,
then turned, nary a yolk broken. Two slices of bread descend into toastland and the
picture perfect breakfast foods are dished onto clean plates. Up pops the toast
as if on cue and...and...where's the butter? Where's the butter? Butter? Butter!
FUCK! Some unthinking bastard has put the butter in the FRIDGE! So then what? Why,
you have to try to spread rock hard chunks of beautiful butter over your
poor toast, trying not to turn your little slices into croutons, while you quell
the urge to maim. There you go. Sunday breakfast ruined.

But it's not butters' fault. God bless it as it tries to melt away into
the toast in spite of its cemental self.
Butter on a piping hot corncob. Butter in oatmeal. So much butter in oatmeal that
it resembles cookie dough rather than a nutritious hot breakfast food.
Butter, garlic and parsley tossed into angel hair pasta. You can't do this with
anything else but butter.

Knock, knock:
Who's there?
Butter.
Butter who?
Butter not be using margarine.

I don't care what anybody says, there is no substitute for butter.
Margarine can kiss my ass. If you use Butter Buds I will kill you. I Can't Believe
It's Not Butter..spray ? Sure, the ad campaign is good, but one should never
"spray" anything on their food. You say you're lactose intolerant? Well, I'm
lactose intolerant-intolerant. I once caught my cat on top of a table,
gleefully licking the butter right out of the dish. Could I get mad?
NO! It was butter, for God's sake. I took a lick or two myself, just to
show that we did have something in common after all.
I could go on and on, but I think I've made my feelings known.
Butter is useful, butter is tasty. Butter...is beautiful.