Fruit Cake Recipe:

One cup water
One cup sugar
Four large eggs
2 fruit
cups of dried 1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
One bottle whiskey

• Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
  Take a large bowl.
  Check the whiskey again to be sure it is the highest quality.
  Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
  Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
  
  Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
  Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
  Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
  Mix on the turner.
  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
  
  Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
  Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
  Check the whiskey.
  Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
  Add one table.
  Spoon.
  Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
  
  Grease the oven.
  Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
  Don't forget to beat off the turner.
  Throw the bowl out of the window.
  Check the whiskey again.
  Go to bed.
  Who the hell like's fruitcake anyway?
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