Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
You might be a Redneck if
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her
kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
You've got more than one brother named, "Darryl."
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start
your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Tips for Rednecks
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to
drive the U-Haul to the funeral.
DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in
private, using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as they detract
from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the 1st date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall 2 years
ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some
will say 10:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the
answer,
it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the
movies ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the
occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's
loaded and the deer's in sight.
2. When approaching a 4-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it's impolite
to ask her to bring back beer, too.
5. Don't lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
IF MICROSOFT WERE LOCATED IN THE SOUTH